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| Kill me now. |
I'm not exactly sure why I've chosen now to discuss my marriage. It's been several years since that rather weird day, but having just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed", I can say I find a lot things the two of us (Gilbert and I) probably similarly identify with. In the book she talks how the U.S. Immigration Control forced her and Felipe into marrying, and to capitulate their ideals. Because without so, Felipe, who isn't a natural born citizen, would no longer be allowed to enter the U.S. I too remember the moment that my love, and myself, whom were happily content at being unwed, were forced into the contract of marriage by the powers that be.
Of course this probably isn't what you expected. You probably expected for me to be all pro gay marriage, (which I am, just not for myself) and to provide myself as an example of how the institution of marriage and its bureaucracy was triumphantly defeated by the "transgender loophole of legal marriage". Perhaps in a way it was, but I'm going to be honest here, we didn't want to get married back then. Neither of us did, at least at that particular moment in time, and under those circumstances. And, we certainly don't feel all that married now that we are. (Technically there's a whole legal grey area going on, that still shadows the whole legality of it any ways.) But, let me not confuse you, I did want to get married eventually. I wanted to be just like any girl with her dreams of fantasy and family, our two souls coming together in the public declaration of bliss. Unfortunately we could not have then, (we were estranged from family) and likely still couldn't afford such pleasures if we wanted to today. (To be blunt, we were driven out of California by my in-laws, homeless and unemployed.) Though we often dream about a ceremony still today, a real marriage, with a real wedding- the fact remains, the same rules that forced us into marriage originally, now prevents us from marrying now. Due to our our current status, a lesbian couple, it is not possible for us to marry in the state of North Carolina. (Or the U.S. for that matter, since not all states recognize gay marriage.) Sometimes, we still lay in bed at night, discussing the details of this imaginary wedding, like children who have no concept of the chaos of adulthood. A coalescing where we, the two brides, and all our friends- our true friends, gather on the most perfect day at Cardiff Castle in Wales to witness the fusing of our hearts. This fantasy also includes John Barrowman in a kilt, marrying us in his native Scottish accent, and lots of music from 80's movies. Of course it all ends happily ever after, and everything falls into place afterwards. Perhaps I'm still as deluded about the concept of being wed, more than I ever have been, just like the day I signed the marriage order that doomed us to this purgatory of legislative providence. Oddly though, as I get older, I'm starting to let go of this dream wedding. I'm starting to realize, that sort of marriage, initiated by a perfect wedding , even if it's average perfect, maybe even normal perfect, will be the the one thing in life I won't be able to change. I've shed my skin, I've done impossible things, but this is the mountain that will not move. The truth is, I'm starting to feel okay with that. After all, why was it fair for us to get married in the first place, when thousands of other same-sex relationships out there, couples who couldn't care if they were married by a Judge plucked out of 70's television, ("Here comes the judge!") in a courtroom with inmates hanging out to be sentenced- can't? "Anyone object?", because the crack dealer with blood on his shirt at my wedding sure didn't.
Hell, the only reason we were ever allowed to marry was the quagmire of incorrect legal documents and birth records, which were about to be, very soon, changed. Which brings us to why the marriage took place. Since my gender markers would soon be changing, this was our opportunity to secure our futures. It would give us the same privileges that any heterosexual couple has, like tax breaks, health-care, hospital visitations, and even proper care of the estate, (not that there is any right now or then) and custody of our children if the worse ever occurred. Or at least, that's what I thought. I was, admittedly, very, very wrong. I can say unequivocally, that our marriage has done none of these things, and has provided us no benefit whatsoever.
Almost immediately, my employer at the time, Deluxe Corporation, which ironically spewed how diverse and "gay friendly" of a company it was to work for, to shareholders and prospective clients, told me their health-care, and taxation system was administratively incapable of handling our unique marriage circumstance: two legally married women. We were informed they would need to list one of us as "male", (like we can magically choose) or they would tax us for the cost of our domestic (not married and untaxed) health benefits. The only reason we even found out about this conundrum, was when my love, went into the hospital to get a pap-smear. They performed the exam, an exam which can only be performed with a clearly necessary and obvious vagina for them to probe. Then in the days that followed we received a huge bill. A bill we should have never received. When they tried to invoice her insurance company, my employer paid insurance provider, United Health Care, it was denied it because "the patient was a man." I can assure you she's not, I told the telephone representative as I immediately rang the insurance company. I subsequently laughed as I looked at this beautiful women across the room, which our marriage had marked as a man. They then informed us we would have to change her gender marker, in order to have them pay for the procedure. However they couldn't do it, my employer would have to do it- and they of course, once again, said it was "administratively impossible". Let's clarify. My love isn't transgender, and has never legally, or otherwise been anything but a vagina carrying member of our society. Yet my employer decided since I was female, she had to be male.
So this is where the epic tragedy began. My ongoing personal war with my own company is likely the reason they fired me the first chance they got. Terminated, while on medical leave myself, for oral surgery no less. The only time ever, I've used such a benefit, and it was doctor ordered. As a result of this misfortune, I now have no health-care. Of course I still recall the Human Resource employee telling me "lesbians can't have their cake and eat it too," insinuating we were trying to "game" the system. I recall this particular moment because she then slammed her fists onto her desk so hard that it dislodged the cross hanging from the wall, and sent it into the trash.
But being married still didn't afford any benefit after that. At our daughter's eye surgery, the nurses attempted to prevent me from coming in with my daughter, because of her mothers' relationships with each other. I ignored them and forced my way back to the surgical prep-room with the nurse furious at my disobedience. I dare not think, if my sweetheart, my love, ever ends up in the hospital, and someone tries to bar me, what I will be capable of. I'll rip apart heaven and earth if I need. Quite likely, that will be my first jail sentence. I can only imagine how that would turn out.
Until recently of course DOMA, (The Defence of Marriage Act) has prevented us from filing our federal taxes together. Even now, we feel it's a safer route to maintain our separate financial lives. The lesson I've learned in life, is the less you divulge, the better you are, and confusing the IRS for a small financial gain, a tax-write-off, seems like too much effort at this point.
So as you can see, marriage isn't all that great. We still have the wonderful, blissful, committed partnership that we did before we took possession of some odd, deranged piece of paper, part of an ancient and outdated attempt to legislate marriage, which I wish we never had wasted the time and money to obtain. It's not because, without it, it would entitle me to a different life, because it wouldn't. I still would see my beautiful, incredible wife as I do today, as the beautiful, amazing, and most wonderful woman I've ever loved in my life. In fact,
the love of my life. Perhaps if we weren't under the mis-belief originally that a marriage certificate was some golden pass to becoming equal in the eyes of the law to our fellow Americans, then I'd still have some hope. We will always have love, but marriage... it's not all that it's cracked up to be.
